Afraid To Lose What May Not Be Mine
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Post ep for 5x03 "Reckoner"


**_A/N - Thank you so much to Tonnie for being my constant cheerleader and oneshot title writer. Seriously folks, without her, NONE of this gets done! This is a dark little JJ/Rossi oneshot post "Reckoner". It assumes an already established relationship between the two central characters. Please, read and review. Those reviews truly help to keep this author convinced someone is actually reading. More post eps for "Reckoner" will be coming in the next week for the other pairings. As always, thank you for taking the time to read!_**

**Afraid To Lose What May Not Be Mine**

He'd hurt her. It had been unintentional, but he'd still done it. She'd heard every word of his interrogation with Judge Schueller. He knew she had, the knowledge was right there in her anguished blue eyes. Swallowing as he stared across the polished surface of his desk at her, he softly said, "I wish you'd say something to me."

"Say something, huh?" she smiled sadly.

"Yeah, that'd be nice," he nodded, fingering the pen in his hand nervously. Studying her face, he saw the dissolution…the banked pain.

"Okay. How about this? I can't compete," she whispered, looking away from him.

"You aren't competing with anybody, Jennifer," he told her somberly.

"You're in love with a dead woman," she accused without rancor.

"No, I loved a dead woman. I'm _in_ love with you, Bella," he told her with sincerity he'd not felt in a very long time.

"I can't believe that I'm jealous of a dead woman," she said faintly, her tone incredulous.

"You've never had anything to be jealous of, Jennifer," Dave replied.

"Only because she's dead, Dave. If she was alive, I'd always wonder…"

"We were never meant to be," Dave said, trying to will her to understand.

"Maybe we aren't either," JJ murmured, her fingers tightening into balled fists in her lap. Looking at him, she asked, "Why didn't you ever tell me about her, David? I heard about all three of your wives…why not her?"

"I don't talk about Emma, JJ. Ever," he replied calmly.

"The one that got away," she said wistfully. "At least until a couple of years ago," she added bitterly.

Closing his eyes against the wave of remorse he felt over JJ having heard that, he shook his head. He knew Will had cheated on her. Repeatedly. Hearing from his own mouth that he'd callously done the same thing…he had to make her understand. "That wasn't true, JJ. I did see her at that hotel in New York a couple of years ago, but I never touched her."

"Whose choice was that, Dave? I heard the tone in your voice. If it didn't happen, you sure as hell wished that it did," JJ said, defeated.

"It wasn't a choice at all. I thought too much of Emma than to ask her to choose between a night with me and her marriage vows," Dave replied honestly. "I've done a lot of horrible things in my life, but I haven't done that."

Shaking her head, JJ rose from the chair to move toward the wall of windows. Staring outside, she tried to blink away the tears. It wasn't as though he'd ever denied having a past. She didn't have room for complaint, did she? But the way he'd stared at that locket after the Judge had been shot…the tone he'd used when talking to Hotch about Emma…how could she ever delude herself into thinking he could love her that much?

"I know what you're doing," Dave said quietly from behind her.

"What?" she asked simply.

"You're questioning my love and devotion to you," he softly accused, "over a woman I loved thirty years ago."

"Can you blame me?"

"No. But, what I _can _tell you is that I've _never _walked away from you and I don't intend to start now. If you recall, I made that mistake with Emma."

"You said that you should have married her," JJ whispered. "You should have had a family with her."

"And thirty years ago, I should have, JJ. Hell, you were barely a year old then. But, right here, right now, I'm _exactly _where I belong. With you. With Henry. This is my life now and I'm happy. For the first time in more years than I can remember, I'm happy. Did this shake me today? Yeah, it did. I recognized my own mortality. I was confronted with more than one past mistake. But does that change anything about the way I feel about you or Henry? Hell, no. I have a family _NOW_. It begins and ends with you and that little boy."

Leaning her head against the cool window pane, JJ murmured, "I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"You could say that you believe me," Dave suggested hopefully.

"You're sure you mean this, Dave?" JJ asked cautiously.

"I'm positive. And I'm being completely truthful when I tell you that I've _never _loved another woman the way I love you. Not before or since you, Bella."

Staring out the window, JJ nodded. "I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that. I can't exactly ask you to apologize for loving someone else, can I?"

"_In the past, _Jen. You keep leaving that part out," Dave corrected gently.

Swallowing past the lump in her throat, JJ turned to face him. "I just wanna go home now, okay?"

"Okay," he nodded, praying she'd invite him to go with her.

"You coming?" she asked nervously.

"There isn't_ any _place I'd rather be than with you, JJ. Now and ever, Bella."

Nodding, she felt him slip her bag off her shoulder as he grabbed his own. And slipping her hand into his, she began to breathe again.

_**FINIS**_


End file.
